everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
