she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize