Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize