I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
