What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
