I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
