normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There's always time for handjobs
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
