Don't make out with my wife yet
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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