How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
