I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So many bounce houses so little time
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
