he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
