So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
