I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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