All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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