Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
