well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I could make wine with my vomit
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
