This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
