My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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