yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
