At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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