This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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