Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
