I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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