my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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