I got chris browned last night
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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