I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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