So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
