after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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