my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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