I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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