What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
