How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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