last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
