I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
