The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
