I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
