Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
