I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
