I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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