i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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