a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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