The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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