Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
