No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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