I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
