my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
