Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
