My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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