I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
