We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
