Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
