I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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