i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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