After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How does one acquire holy water?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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