why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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