I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
