I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
