I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
this hospital has no fireball
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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