i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
