I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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