i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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