I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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