Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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