my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize