I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
