someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
