Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize